July 31st (Wednesday) is our scheduled appointment date in Ukraine, to accept Beatrice's adoption referral. Of course, neither myself nor my husband will make that appointment. There will never be an appointment that includes our family's acceptance of her referral. This reality is painful, but thankfully I can rejoice because Beatrice has a wonderful family coming for her! They are racing and fighting through the mountain of paperwork to get to Beatrice! Please pray for them.
I was just thinking about reality versus what I would have been doing if not for life getting in the way. I would be scrubbing my home, top to bottom, in preparation of Beatrice's homecoming. I would be frantically packing and repacking; stressing over what clothes and supplies to bring for her. I would be hitting up Target every night for all the items "I almost forgot."
That is so NOT reality.
Reality is me, reintroducing my husband to our daily life, with gentle (Reed might disagree with the word "gentle") hints of how he used to do things.
Reality is my constant observation of Reed, making sure nothing is "different." Making mental notes of the differences and giving verbal reports to Reed's post concussion specialists, that hopefully come out with respect toward my husband's confidence level and masculinity. Unavoidably, it is always a shock for Reed to hear my version of the issues and progression of his recovery, because even though Reed is living it, he isn't able to observe or notice what is "different."
Reality is trying to find the strength and courage to give my husband the okay to drive alone again. While he has driven with me in the car and done very well, I can't seem to let him go alone. I tear up from anxiety and fear as I type this! Every part of my being screams, "No! He is not ready!" (Reed is trying to convince me to allow him to drive alone on Monday for a work project about an hour away.)
Finally, instead of preparing for 2 months in Ukraine, I'm preparing for 2 weeks at Cincinnati Children's Hospital, for Alex's upcoming treatments. Of course, this is a long time coming and I'm so relieved that proper medical treatment is just around the corner for Alex! Yet, I'm feeling a loss in result of the definitive "no" that God gave me when I asked Him what to do in regard to adopting Beatrice. He clearly shut the door.
I asked for His will to be done and sometimes that hurts.
Lord, please grant me the strength to endure Monday and Wednesday.